Saturday, September 15, 2007

What's The Matter With Milwaukee?

Beer. Brats. What's not to love? Apparently there is a lot not to love about Milwaukee, as it has come to light that Charlie Bell no longer wants to be a Buck. Neither did Yi Jianlian, though they eventually convinced the Chinese mob that they are, and I'm quoting here, "totally communist". I can't quite figure out why people are shunning away the Bucks. Is it the organization, or perhaps the city itself?
As Alice Cooper so famously and poignantly stated in the award winning, critically acclaimed masterpiece, Wayne's World, Milwaukee is Algonquin for "the good land." Sounds pretty groovy to start. It is famous for beer. Check. Famous for artery clogging food. Check. Famous for football. Oh, there we go. Today's athletes don't want to be playing second fiddle in some small market city, especially if said city is a one-sport town. Well, unless you are playing that one sport, of course. Even if the athlete in question is somebody as unfamous and uninteresting as say, Charlie Bell, there still lies a lust for glory in the big city. This might make sense for somebody like Shaq, who went from Orlando (only fun if you're under thirteen) to L.A. and Miami (only fun if you're single or devoid of morals). But for Bell? Why would you want to go somewhere like L.A. or New York? A young rich man like him should really look at the situation.


Alright, do you really think being in a bigger market will make you a bigger superstar? If it hasn't happened yet, it probably won't ever. You need to embrace your role. And that role should have been discussing Che Guevara with Jianlian during pregame warm ups. *note: whenever I mention Yi Jianlian, I will use his last name to make you sound it out in your head*

Advantage: small market

Night Life

Ok, towns like Milwaukee and San Antonio aren't known for their happening clubs and parties. Unless you were really into keg stands in college, and haven't let it go, hanging out at the local sports bar probably isn't as appetizing as chilling with Jay-Z or P-Diddy (it's still P-Diddy, right?).

Advantage: big market


However, when you are at a club or party in a smaller city, you will be The Man. You'll get the same feeling walking around town that Corey Haim got when he found out "The Two Coreys" was green lighted. Your confidence will be higher than Shawne Williams, which might give you a boost in your playing abilities, thus giving you actual leverage to move to a big market.

Advantage: small market


While the girls in L.A. and Miami might seem like bigger markets will have the huge advantage, they don't. Women in those cities look for cocky rich upstarts to marry, divorce and ultimately destroy. Plus, they don't get nearly as excited to see a "celebrity". With your before-mentioned Man status, you can have any girl you want. Well, unless that girl is talking to a member of the Packers (yes, even the place kicker).

Advantage: small market

So there you go, Charlie. Stay in Milwaukee. After all, do you really want to be testifying for Isaiah Thomas and/or Kobe in 12 months? I didn't think so.


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