Sunday, September 16, 2007

Welcome To The Jungle

By Sunday evening, we are supposed to start learning a lot about where the NFL teams stand. What did I learn about the most? That more and more stadiums are using heavy metal to pump their fans up. This might be my favorite subplot of the season. While watching the few games that I can get access to (thanks, Time Warner Cable) I noticed these band's songs playing during critical moments of the game: Van Halen, Metallica, Guns N Roses, Godsmack and Marilyn Manson. I am also aware that many stadiums use Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" during games. I will try to tally how many songs from Satan's favorite genre are used this season. With our growing PC culture, it is nice to know that a band with a name like "Godsmack" can be played to thousands of people in Tennessee without a single complaint. And as my ode to the marriage of metal and football, here's what happened today:

Marilyn Manson - "1996"
Cleveland, 51 - Cincinatti, 45
That was the first year the Cleveland Browns became the Baltimore Ravens. 96 is also the number of total points scored during their match against Cincinnati. The Bengals barely beat the ex-Browns last Monday, and got beaten down by the neo-Browns on Sunday. I don't think Cleveland will rock too much this year, but anytime you put up 51 points, you're definitely rolling. Brady Quinn (unfortunately) will have to wait.

Megadeth - "Sweating Bullets"
Indianapolis, 22 - Tennessee, 20
Indianapolis couldn't win a divisional road game in 2006, and nearly blew it again against the Titans. Vince Young is a winner, no doubt about it, but he still has a lot to learn. Driving in the fourth quarter, Young had an ill-advised personal foul penalty called against him, which pretty much ended the game. They aren't there yet, but watch out for Tennessee in the future. A very scary team to see on your schedule.

Metallica- "Seek And Destroy"
San Francisco, 17 - St. Louis, 16
Sacking Marc Bulger six times, the 49ers had a mission against the Rams. With the absence of Orlando Pace, St. Louis could not keep the surging Niners defense off of their leader's back. I'm not a big Scott Linehan fan, and with an 0-2 start, most of St. Louis is probably starting to feel that way as well. It's only Week 2, but San Francisco has now won two divisional games already. It must be Mike Nolan's tie.

Ozzy Osbourne - "Flying High Again"
Green Bay, 35 - New York (N), 13
Brett Favre must be feeling like he's fifty again. With wins over two teams that were in the playoffs last year, the Packers have got to be feeling good. On the other hand, the Giants are 0-2. It would be pretty funny to see New York fire Coughlin, and to pick up Jacksonville's coach. Again. It's good to be Tiki Barber.

Queens Of The Stone Age - "No One Knows"
Pittsburgh, 26 - Buffalo, 3
As in no one knows what to think about this Pittsburgh Steelers team. They've had two convincing wins, but they've been against Cleveland and Buffalo. Next week's game versus San Francisco should tell us a lot about both teams. Any way you look at it though, the Steelers are the only 2-0 team in the AFC North.

Godsmack - "Voodoo"
Tampa Bay, 31 - New Orleans, 14
The 2007 New Orleans Saints desperately need to start making some voodoo dolls. Two starts, two losses, two blowouts. At one point they were down 28-0 against the Bucs. The Bucs! Good thing they didn't start putting in the pins yet, because nobody needs to be making a doll of Jon "Chucky" Gruden. (Also, runner-up song for this game was Judas Priest's "Saints In Hell", but New Orleans can still salvage their season. It's the NFC South, after all.)

Nine Inch Nails - "Something I Can Never Have"
Houston, 34 - Carolina, 21
It's just plain mean for Matt Schaub to be showing off in front of David Carr. While the Texans have struggled to win games since the franchise's conception, it wasn't until they let the man who took all the hits go that they started to look respectable. And the Texans look good. Forget the 49ers, the Texans are now the bandwagon team of 2007. It must feel really bad to be a Falcon's fan right now. Like really, really bad.

Pantera - "Cemetery Gates"
Jacksonville, 13 - Atlanta, 7
Speaking of Atlanta, they are officially done. I couldn't wait for Joey Harrington to prove to us that he just needed the right situation. He hasn't been that bad, but he isn't winning games. It is time to step up. Oh, and Jack Del Rio, your decision to not use Maurice Jones-Drew effectively means that you are now dead to me.

KISS - "Detroit Rock City"
Detroit, 20 - Minnesota, 17
This one is pretty obvious. 2-0, 1-0 in the division. Only eight more games to go Kitna, and your guarantee will be fulfilled. A little to messy for my taste, but it will do in the NFC North. They are now tied with Green Bay at the top. I'm really starting to love 2007.

Slayer - "Hell Awaits"
Chicago, 20 - Kansas City, 10
I now really hate 2007. Herm Edwards continues to show why he shouldn't be an NFL head coach. He constantly proves that his philosophies do not work. There is a lot of talent on this Chiefs teams, but for some reason they are not able to compete. And Bears fans, don't be too happy about this win. With all of the ineptitude of the Kansas City coaching staff, you still almost lost this one. If you keep Grossman as your starting quarterback, you won't like what awaits you either.

Judas Priest - "Delivering The Goods"
Dallas, 37 - Miami, 20
Because that is exactly what Tony Romo and the Cowboys are doing. While their defense leaves a lot to be desired, the Dallas offense is downright rocking. This is my NFC Super Bowl team (New England being the winner), and I'm feeling really good about that pick. Maybe changing gears with Wade Phillips was exactly what this team needed. But it's time to make Marion Barber III the starting back. Believe me.

Alice In Chains - "Got Me Wrong"
Arizona, 23 - Seattle, 20
Ah, so this is the Arizona Cardinals team everyone expected them to be. I guess they were who we thought they were. This division is pretty much up for grabs, which is good news for football fans. Because otherwise, you couldn't pay me to watch these teams play. (Actually, if you would like to pay me to watch them, I'll accept. Seriously. Call me.)

Black Sabbath - "Heaven And Hell"
Denver, 23 - Oakland, 20
Heaven: kicking a 52-yard field goal in OT to win a divisional game. Hell: having that field goal nixed due to a timeout, missing the next kick, and then losing on the opponent's next drive. Fear not, Oakland fans. The defense is good, and they were in the first two games until the end. Is anybody else excited for their game next week against Cleveland? I know I am.

Guns 'N Roses - "Welcome To The Jungle"
Baltimore, 20 - New York (A), 13
It's not easy facing the Baltimore Ravens for your first NFL start. Kellen Clemens was sacked four times and had two interceptions. I think Chad Pennington was glad to let him have this one. But don't worry, young one, the New York media isn't that bad. Well, if you are a member of, that is.


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