Before I get to the lines, there are some things I want to mention:1. Eric Wedge looks like Jack Parkman from Major League. With that being said...
2. The Indians should play "Wild Thing" when Joe Borowski comes out.
3. Cavemen is horrible. The whole point of the commercials is that the cavemen are still seen as stupid, even though they are lawyers and play racquetball. The show is just a regular comedy, where the main characters just happen to be cavemen. Networks can screw anything up.
4. The favorites to win the Super Bowl/World Series are Boston/Boston. I hate Boston.
5. Eric Mangini has only won one game, against Miami, since appearing on the Sopranos.
6. Reba McEntire and Barry Manilow have two of the top four albums right now. The other two are Kanye West and 50 Cent.
7. Kentucky, Illinois, Cincinnati and Kansas are ranked - in football. Those four teams have a combined total of 21 NCAA basketball championship appearances and 3 football championship appearances, the latter being all from Illinois, none of which were after 1927.
8. I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: tonight's starter for Arizona, Brandon Webb, is the only pitcher to beat Colorado since September 16.
Alright, line time.
Cincinnati at Kansas City (Cincinnati, 3)
The season ends now for one of these teams. The Bengals can't play defense and the Chiefs can't play offense. An unknown player has said of the Chiefs, "Herm Edwards has sucked the life out of that offense." Ouch. Add the fact that the newly-paid Larry Johnson runs with little to no desire, and we got problems. No one used to run as well as LJ since Forrest Gump. Sad. Cincinnati 27, Kansas City 13.
Houston at Jacksonville (Jacksonville, 6 1/2)
Jacksonville held Gump and the Chiefs to ten yards rushing last week, so that's fun. Houston currently ranks 25th in rushing. Andre Johnson might miss yet another game, which means that Matt Schaub will have to throw to Andre Davis, Kevin Walter and Jacoby Jones, otherwise known as "Who?". David Garrard is the only quarterback to start every game and have zero interceptions. Who's on that Texans bandwagon now, huh? Jacksonville 21, Houston 7.
Miami at Cleveland (Cleveland, 4 1/2)
If you were to say to me before the season that Cleveland would be 4 1/2 point favorites at any time this year, I would have called you crazy. But the Montagues have been getting better every week, even playing New England better than anybody has all season. Miami's Joey Porter has said of the Brown's Kellen Winslow, "He's not a tight end, because he's not going to block anybody. If you ask me who's going to win the Joey Porter-Kellen Winslow battle: Me." To which Winslow responded, "I think Joey Porter needs a hug". Kellen Winslow might die on Sunday. Cleveland 17, Miami 14.
Minnesota at Chicago (Chicago, 5)
With the Brain Griese era now underway, faith in the Bears is at an all-time high. I don't like to wish injury on anybody, but it would be funny if Griese tore his ACL or something. How would Rex Grossman look at his teammates in the huddle? Anyways, Chicago averages 82.6 rushing yards a game, whereas Minnesota only gives up 62. Oh, and the Bears' highly touted defense is currently ranked 23rd in the league, seven spots behind New Orleans. Minnesota 24, Chicago 22.
Philadelphia at New York Jets (Philadelphia, 3)
The Eagles are one of only three road favorites this week, and for good reason. By the way, here's that clip of Mangini in the Sopranos. I don't understand why Jets fans hate Chad Pennington so much. He didn't have an interception until last week, and was completing 71% of his passes. His backup, Kellen Clemens, has two interceptions and is completing only 59% of his passes. This will be a classic matchup of fans trying to out-boo each other. Philly 20, NYJ 17.
St. Louis at Baltimore (Baltimore, 9 1/2)
The Rams might not record a single yard in this game. In case you think that Scott Linehan doesn't deserve all the criticism, consider that St. Louis is ranked 27th in both offense and defense. I don't want to hear about injuries either, since the Rams were being killed before Bulger, Jackson and Pace went out. The Ravens desperately need to gain ground in the North with Pittsburgh on a bye, especially since Cincinnati and Cleveland are favorites, so I think they come out swinging in this one. Baltimore 20, St. Louis 3.
Tennessee at Tampa Bay (Tampa Bay, 3)
This is another one of those games where Vegas says, "Hell if I know". With injuries to Michael Pittman and Cadillac Williams, the Bucs' depth chart is as shallow as Tucker Max. The Madden Curse has yet to hit Vince Young. It's hard to believe that Young has 3 touchdowns and 5 interceptions, but has only lost once - to Indianapolis by two. Now that he might get a Heisman after they strip it away from Reggie Bush, Young might single handedly pull a 2004 Red Sox on us. Tennessee 16, Tampa Bay 13.
Washington at Green Bay (Green Bay, 3)
Hmm, back-to-back "Hell if I know" games. While my Chiefs play on CBS (which might be over before the half), Fox will be showing the state of Kansas this game, with the exception of one city - the one I live in. Instead, I get the Carolina/Arizona game. With American Idol, canceling Family Guy twice, Fox News and now this, Rupert Murdoch needs to be considered for Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" segment. Actually, now that I think about, I'm sure he already has. As for the game, Hell if I know. But I'm taking Green Bay, who will be mad after last week, while the Skins are due for a letdown. Green Bay 21, Washington 10.
Carolina at Arizona (Arizona, 4 1/2)
The combined age of the starting quarterbacks for both teams is 79. Isn't there a good chance that Vinny Testaverde breaks in half during this game? The man snapping him the ball, Justin Hartwig (KU grad, by the way), was seven years old when Testaverde entered the league. As for Arizona, they're starting Kurt Warner, who I'm starting this week in my fantasy league. I have something in common with Carolina as far as quarterback woes, only I don't have Steve Smith. But hey, at least I'm not starting Vinny Testaverde. Arizona 27, Carolina 14.
New England at Dallas (New England, 5)
It is here: The Game. You know the Patriots are the best team in football when they're favored by 5 on the road against an undefeated team, even if it is because Dallas is coming off of the biggest meltdown in Monday Night history. Essentially, the Cowboys are being treated as a 4-1 team. This matchup was my preseason Super Bowl pick, which is about as gutsy as wearing a t-shirt that says "I Hate Bush" at a Starbucks in San Francisco. If New England wins by more than 10, then chances are they are going 16-0. I'm still waiting on Wes Welker to emerge, who since scoring the Patriots' first touchdown of the season hasn't recorded one since. New England 28, Dallas 21.
Oakland at San Diego (San Diego, 10)
I'm taking Oakland all the way in the Norv Turner Bowl. The Raiders are currently leading the league is rushing, one year after finishing 29th. And you know things are bad when the coaching matchup favors Lane Kiffin. Looking at the line, I guess everybody is in agreement that the Chargers "are back". Well, unless I missed the news that Marty Schottenheimer was rehired, I'm not convinced. You have to do more than beat a horrible Denver team to change my mind. Oakland 24, San Diego 21.
New Orleans at Seattle (Seattle, 6 1/2)
Drew Brees was taken one spot ahead of Tom Brady in my fantasy league, and that owner still has a better record than I do. I can't wait for the NBA season to start. I swear, if Shaun Alexander doesn't get at least two touchdowns in this game, I'm never going to Starbucks again. Oh wait, I never go there anyways. It could be worse though, since the players picked before my spot include Stephen Jackson (injured), Larry Johnson (might as well be injured), Joseph Addai (injured last week), Brian Westbrook (also injured last week), Travis Henry (busted for pot) and Rudi Johnson (injured). What a funny fantasy year. Really, I'm laughing. Ha. Ha. Seattle 17, New Orleans 10.
New York Giants at Atlanta (New York, 3 1/2)
This is it. This is the game where Joey Harrington goes Michael Vick on us and waves his middle finger at everybody. But not because he is mad - it will be after he throws three touchdowns and 300 yards. First, I don't think that Eli Manning is very good. Second, the Giants defense can make anybody look like Peyton Manning. Third, Harrington will be pissed about being taken out of last week's game. Fourth, Tom Coughlin. Atlanta 34, NYG 28.
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