The Midwest Coast

Water is an essential element of life; we need it to survive. Apparently, H2O also makes people crazy. Nowhere is this more obvious than in coastal sports fans. Yankees fans boo Alex Rodriguez if he strikes out, and are silently skeptical when he has a two-homer game. Boston fans still think they are cursed, even though they just won the World Series (they also think Belichick never cheated). Los Angeles doesn't have many sports fans, but the ones they do have look like this. But in the Midwest, there isn't a coast, except for one city: Chicago. And these people are nuts.

I like Chicago, I really do. It's a fun town, and being relatively close to Kansas City, it's convenient. However, the sports fans of Chicago are starting to get on my nerves. First, there was the incident where father and son White Sox fans attacked the Royals' first base coach. Now, Cubs fans are already planning the assassination of manager Lou Piniella. Sweet Lou took out pitcher Carlos Zambrano early last night, hoping to use him for a possible Game 4 on Sunday. The plan backfired (allegedly), and Chicago-ites (-ans? -ians?) are flooding hardware stores in search of rope. The Lovable Losers are quickly turning into just Losers. After one game, Piniella has become the Antichrist, despite the fact that his "plan" is a bigger picture than one game. What happens if Zambrano comes in on Sunday and pitches a gem? Will Lou get any credit?

Cubs fans need to realize this: they wouldn't even be in the playoffs if it weren't for Piniella. They'd be sitting at home, asking their friends if they can believe how unlucky they are. These are the same people who believe in goat curses, and have ruined the life of one Steve Bartman. Chicago's most hated fan has been in hiding since reaching for a foul ball during the 2003 NLCS, an act that anyone sitting in that seat would've done. As a matter of fact, there wouldn't have been an incident if Cubs outfielder Moises Alou didn't jump up and down whining like a little girl. All it did was fuel the fire, leading millions of Cubs fans to keep believing they are the most downtrodden people on Earth. They blame everyone and everything except the actual team.

Perhaps if the Cubs could have actually gotten some runs when they had runners in scoring position, they could have won. But no, that isn't possible; it's all Lou Piniella's fault. If the Cubs force a Game 4, and Zambrano is the winning pitcher, I want all the Cubs fans to pool their money for an ad in the Tribune or Sun-Times for a public apology to Lou. But it won't happen; these people never congratulate anybody except for themselves.