The NHL Versus Itself

Everyone is asking, will the NHL capitalize on the the popularity of USA vs Canada? And everyone is answering with a resounding "No!". I tend to agree. But the problem is that nobody is asking the right question. We all know nothing will change. The big question is: how does the NHL capitalize on the popularity of USA vs Canada?

I was excited to find out that the first game back for both Sidney Crosby (the game winner) and Ryan Miller (the MVP) would be - wait for it - against EACH OTHER. Imagine if during the Summer Olympics, LeBron James blocked Dirk Nowitzki's game winning layup during the gold medal game of USA vs Germany, and then two days later the Mavericks played the Cavs. I would be more excited for that than the actual Olympic game. But then I found out what I should've already known; the Crosby/Miller rematch was not going to be televised.

This is why the NHL will never make the jump. You cannot be a fan of that which you cannot see. It's why college basketball and football make billions but college baseball is a niche sport. The only time you see college baseball is during the College World Series, much like the Stanley Cup. It's time to get hockey on TV.

Of course, ESPN doesn't want it. Fox Sports probably doesn't either. But Versus shows NHL games. Why not make Versus just a hockey channel? Wouldn't a 24/7 NHL station get better ratings than reruns of "Wild and Wacky Sports" or whatever hunting program is on at ten in the morning?

All the NHL would need to do is request very little money from the channel itself. Let Versus keep all the profits. Why would Gary Bettman agree to this? Because the money he doesn't get from Versus would be made back tenfold from the increased fanbase. All you needed to do was by up a bunch of advertising on ESPN the day after, market the Crosby/Miller rematch, and watch the ratings soar. Have Canadian/American panels discuss the game for weeks. Bank on it.

Instead, the NHL is just going to hope that the game was good enough to get you hooked. It wasn't. You need big plans to become a big sport, and while baseball is begging someone to take them over, Bettman refuses to spend the money necessary to make the money hockey needs. He has to force-feed hockey into America's mouth. If left to choose, we'll take the NFL Combine over NHL playoffs every time. You know why?

Because the Combine is on television.

Woods' Apology Was Enough, Unfortunately

There's something interesting in the fact that the first big media event of the new decade was Tiger Woods' "apology". It will be one of those things that we look back at in 2019 and say, "Wow, that was ten years ago?" It already feels like Thanksgiving 2009, when this whole melee began, is in the far away past. But what is more telling than that, and what is the most frightening, is how the media handled the whole thing.

I was watching the fifteen minutes of blame on ESPN2, during First Take. Immediately afterwards, Pat Forde and some apology expert (yes, that's a job), went on to proclaim how great of a speech it was. I scanned the radio and television for the next couple of hours and pretty much heard the same sentiment. Eight hours later, I arrived home from work to see the slew of articles that had come out about the subject. 99% of them came to the same conclusion I had; Tiger Woods' apology was simply pathetic.

I'm not going into the details. If you watched the entire thing and thought of it as anything else than another regurgitated pseudo-apology constructed from the Tiger-machine, than you are either two things: retarded, or desperate for the old Tiger to come back. I think most people fall into the latter group. Pat Forde, who I like, is desperate. That apology expert is just retarded. Either way, I am reminded about why I am saddened that newspapers are dying.

Nowadays, the most heard commentary is the immediate. By the time well thought out columns come out, the talking heads have already beaten the subject into your brain. I am writing this the night of the speech, but when you read this, you will already be tired of the story. A thousand writers have already told you that this speech sucked.

I know it's way too early to say, but this might already be the defining moment of the decade. A speech so robotic, so choreographed and so insincere now has a 50% approval rating, simply because split-second reactions were favorable. Any opinion that took at least an hour to construct would deem Tiger Woods as a fraud. But at face value, in the moment, it might have seemed real. So that's the perception you receive.

The reality is that Woods is a corporate machine. It's the way superstars talk in a post-Jordan world. Any reactionary opinion would see this as the way things are now, without question. The beauty of writing is that you can reflect and put into perspective, only that the columns that get heard are the ones that get out the fastest, which makes them no different than radio or television.

It's sad, and if you weren't paying attention, you might think that this morning's apology had a smidgen of heart in it. It didn't, but because we were told it did, we believe it. Which I guess made it worthwhile, and makes Tiger's ignorance turn into genius. He gave us nothing, but we didn't ask for anything.

Us, Weakly

There are many reasons I love sports and follow it the way I do. For one, I am a compulsive gambler. I also have nothing better to do than own twenty different fantasy teams. But I used to think the main reason was because I love competition. Watching men in real time battle physically and mentally is like nothing else; it's pure reality. Well, unless you're watching baseball.

But this whole Tiger Woods mess is shining a different light on what I may have secretly enjoyed about athletics all along; all of the information that I want, and the kind of information I want, is dependent on me. If you follow politics or celebrities, you only get what the newsmakers want to give you. Only after sifting through piles and piles of bullshit can you actually find unbiased information. Everything is blown up, polarized and branded for mass consumption. Barely any of it is real.

That's why the Woods story isn't a sports story. Yeah, it's all over ESPN and every other sports network, but hey, it's Tiger freakin' Woods. I wrote on Friday that we were lucky that Tiger crashed his car on Thanksgiving weekend because it would turn into a non-story. That was before it came out that he was having an affair. Now it's turned into a tabloid fiasco.

And all of these "revelations" about Tiger are fed to us. We can't look up stats for his marriage or break down footage of his parenting skills. We can only learn what we've been told, with no chance of finding out the truth for ourselves. This formula is what fuels the tabloid world and networks like CNN and Fox News. We either have no way to learn how Brad and Angelina are really doing or don't take the time to really read the President's health care plan. We take everything at face value.

But sports has layers that we can dissect ourselves. Everything is out in the open in three hours of game tape. It would be like watching a Zapruder film of Woods' car crash. There would be no need for sensationalism if everyone had the same knowledge to work with.

Not to say this whole incident has no sports angle. I can talk all day about how I think this could affect his career. Will he cave mentally and no longer return to form or turn into Michael Jordan with an "Eff You" attitude where he simply doesn't care anymore? It will be interesting to watch. But every piece of "news" that breaks from here on out will be basically meaningless, because it's coming from sources that make a living out of controlling the story.

Sorry, I'm a thinker, and I like to get the information for myself, because I can trust myself. I don't need to be told what to think, keep the tabloids to yourself. Plus, there aren't any bookies that let me gamble on Jon and Kate.

Lucky Stripes

Sometimes we get lucky. Like the time I accidentally put a $50 chip on 17 while playing roulette, and when that little white ball settled on my number, the dealer stood up, pointed at me, and yelled "DUDE!!!". Or the numerous times I've done karaoke and nobody had a video camera rolling. Luck happens even to the unluckiest of people.

There's a lot of luck in sports, but mostly it's in the form of tipped passes and glaring lights blinding Matt Holiday. Real luck - like Texas, Florida or Alabama losing so we can see the BCS screw over two more teams, or Andre Agassi winning that final US Open - rarely happens. But we lucked out in a huge way. This Thanksgiving weekend I give thanks to one thing: that Tiger Woods crashed his car on a Friday.

Because if the world's #1 golfer, who is as clean as John Daly is dirty, would've been in an accident on Monday, ESPN would be as unwatchable as the week following the World Series. Skip Bayless would assure you that this is a sign that Woods' head isn't in the game. Jay Mariotti would have barked that we should have seen this coming. Tony Kornheiser would have shown remorse, and Michael Wilbon, solemnly, would have said, "Yeah, Tony".

But it didn't happen that way. Tiger Woods crashed his car, and then was removed from the car by his wife after she smashed the window with a golf club, on a Friday of Thanksgiving weekend. Most sports personalities had taken their vacations. People weren't at work to be bored and sift through all the headlines. By Monday, the story will seem like a year old, and more than likely will not carry any weight. Thank God.

This is one of those unfortunate circumstances that happens to all people. It's the ugly side of life. Whether Woods was drunk or if there was some kind of domestic dispute can be left up to imagination, but what is certain is that the general public does not want a hero like Tiger Woods to have these things occurring in his life. It's the kind of blind faith that kept us from realizing Brett Favre was an egomaniac or that Michael Jordan is perhaps the meanest son of a bitch who has ever lived.

The reason Woods' car crash disturbed people at first glance was the same reason for the media uproar about Michael Phelps' pot use; we want to believe that given the same opportunities and advances that our athletic heroes have had, we would be mistake-free.

Of course, that's impossible. But ask a coworker sometime about their plans if they won the lottery. You always hear the same thing: take care of family and friends, buy a house, invest, etc. These are mature responses. You never hear someone say "I'm going to the strip club and making it rain!" or "I'm going to Vegas and gonna blow 100 Gs!" But that's what we would really do. We would celebrate and flaunt our newly given power, for no other reason that we can.

So when we hear of professional athletes making mistakes, we get angry because we feel that given the same life, we could do better. But I suggest that most of us could never be the stand-up citizen that Tiger Woods is if given his power. That makes his one mistake that much more impressive.

We all could be heroes, except for that one day.

The Good, The Badass, & The Ugly

There are two circumstances where sports crosses over into life. The first is when a tragedy occurs. Think of George W. Bush's first pitch after 9/11, the first game Virginia Tech played after the massacre, etc. The second is when the troubles the rest of us have reaches our beloved superstars. Not in a Mike Vick/Plaxico Burress sort of way either. I mean, how many of us have murdered dogs or shot ourselves in a night club?

The Good

San Francisco Giants ace pitcher Tim Lincecum. The Cy Young winner who resembles Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused was charged with possession of 3.3 grams of marijuana after being pulled over for speeding. No doubt he was driving to his dealer's house to reload.

The Badass

Raiders coach Tom Cable, who we have recently learned not only beats up on assistant coaches, but smacks around women as well. The National Organization for Women thinks Cable should be suspended. Which seems funny, because the cumulative man--err--woman hours that organization has spent watching football is somewhere around 0.0-0.02.

The Ugly

Andre Agassi. According to his new book, Agassi smoked meth, tanked games, took speed at an early age, never liked Brooke Shields and was a pyromaniac. Or as it's known in tennis circles, "Pulling a McEnroe".


The reason I bring these three up is because they have done what sports commissioners and sports writers spend a lifetime trying to hide: athletes are exactly the same as us.

Granted, Tom Cable is not an athlete nor a superstar. But he has come to embody everything that the Oakland Raiders used to stand for: blue collar football thuggery. I say "used to" because the reality of sports in the 21st century has led us to believe this kind of behavior doesn't exist anymore. Like it or not, the Raiders conduct themselves like athletes of yesteryear, which everyone seems to agree was a better time for sports. They do not hide their shortcomings. Everyone who puts on the black and silver is an extension of Al Davis. And while that rarely translates to wins, it does translate into truth.

Lincecum and Agassi's stories are a little different. They are superstars. And while Agassi's life may be lazily construed as a warning against forcing children into professional athletics, I see it more as another story of another American person. No, we haven't all had the same problems, but we know somebody who does. I know a guy who used to do meth, a guy who for some reason did not love a beautiful woman, and a guy who thought he should abuse matches like Beavis (OK, that last one was me). Agassi is all of us, just wrapped into one.

The same goes with Lincecum. He smokes weed. We all have. If you haven't, then I have no idea why you would read anything on this website.

We've learned that Troy Aikman almost crushed his brain into mush because of his pride, Brett Favre is selfish, Pete Rose wanted to win too much, Isiah Thomas has a little bit of homophobia, and so on. In the 60s, 70s and 80s, being like everyone else and having flaws was the reason athletes became heroes. Mickey Mantle drank like your father. Hell, even JFK lusted like you do. It was alright, because there was no illusion.

Make no mistake, this is a good thing. We need it. It's why Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are pariahs but Alex Rodriguez and Andy Pettitte are champions; the latter pair apologized. They admitted their flaws, which we can identify with. I say the more pot possessions, wife beatings and meth smoking the better. It's healthy to become comfortably numb to demons of reality. It's what makes the accomplishments of those who have risen above them that much more heroic.

Just Say No... To The Olympics

You'll have to excuse me, because this column is more political than sports related, but the Olympics are technically sports. Well, some of it. And President Obama has been taking a lot of heat about his campaign to get the 2016 Games in Chicago. Not just from the usual suspects - Hannity, Limbaugh, etc. - but from the sports community and really, the entire country. Nobody seems to want the Games here, which is a good thing. No, a great thing.

After a failed war, a failed economy and failed health care reform, people seem to care a lot more about real issues than puffing out their patriotic chests. We don't want our politicians, let alone the President, wasting time trying to host a bunch of pseudo-sports. We're no longer interested in being the center of attention, because let's face it, we're not that attractive anymore. If America was Britney Spears, then we have moved from Schoolgirl Britney to Shaved Head White Trash Britney. We need time to grow our hair back, check into rehab and lose some weight before we thrust ourselves back into the limelight.

I understand too that the Games aren't for another seven years. We could use it as motivation, like signing up at a gym for an entire year in advance; we made the commitment, so we're now forced to make some changes. But really, do we need any more motivation? If the past decade can't bring along the changes we need, then nothing will. Not even table tennis.

So I applaud America. Somewhere along the way, the people have stopped caring so much about appearing to be #1, and started to care more about actually being #1. It is now a time to retreat, a time of reflection. Bring the troops home, maybe on their way they can swing by and pick up Obama. Let's concentrate on ourselves for once, and not what everyone else in the world thinks about us. Let this one go. Maybe when we get back on our feet, we can put in another bid, and be truly proud to show the world what we are all about. Which we don't really need, because this new American attitude says a lot more than any Olympics ever could.

100 Down, Way Too Many To Go

UFC 100 may have been watched by millions, but I was not one of them. Loyalty to boxing may be to blame. But there seems to be a simple reason for the MMA hysteria. It starts with a number.

We are obsessed by numbers. When you're 39, you have free range at booze, drugs and loose women. But once you turn 40, apparently it's time to settle down and get old. Hey, you're over the hill, right? If a guy says he's been married for 49 years, jokes about unhappiness ensue. Married for 50? A love that cannot be touched. We build up these milestones like they have some kind of significant meaning. Well, they don't. They're just numbers.

UFC 100 is one of these milestones. It was the biggest fight in mixed martial arts. On the grandest stage, the so-called sport showed us all what it's made of. Fans and sports writers across the country proclaimed that UFC had arrived. Time to get with the program. It's boxing for the 21st century boys. Looks like I'm stuck partying like it's pre-1999.

Look, I'm a boxing fan. But not a boxing "fan". You know those people; they claim they love the sport, but explain their lack of enthusiasm due to the fact that the heavyweight division is so barren. Yes, my favorite boxer (Lennox Lewis) was a heavyweight, and yeah, when the big boys are rockin' the fans come a-knockin', but I don't need it to enjoy boxing. Good boxing is out there, and its not really that hard to find.

And that's what UFC buffs have marketed around; the fact that boxing is dead. OK, I'll give you the fair-weather fans. Let them drive your pay-per-views up. But don't think that UFC is grabbing them for good. Remember the numbers.

Like #100, which has gotten everyone up in a frenzy. You know when boxing's 100th main fight was? Well, the first heavyweight champ was John Sullivan in 1885, so it was a long freaking time ago. Most people won't recognize a fighter until Jack Dempsey, who won in 1919. If you're celebrating where you are as a sport at #100, then boy, you know nothing. You haven't even begun.

Oh, but that's point, they say. Look how big we are in such a short span. Well, what's the road from here? Do UFC fans really expect to keep expanding at this rate? It'd be bigger than the NFL in a decade. Not gonna happen. Also unlikely is plateauing at this point and averaging the millions of viewers last Saturday's fight attracted. There is no basis to this, no history. If anything, this was the peak. 100 is not a milestone, it's a pebble in the history of UFC. It means nothing.

The only argument I would give UFC fans is that MMA is a representation of a change of interest in young Americans. Boxing was two men beating the hell out of each other, yes, but it was art. MMA is simply beating the hell out of each other. And on a much greater scale. It's in-your-face brutality, a concept adored by a generation raised on reality television and violence. Don't dance around, kill! Mob mentality, fill the Colosseum! How apt for a country that is starting its Roman descent.

Am I missing the boat, perhaps? But I'll be playing my boxing violin as I go down drowning, not cursing the iceberg that drug us there. It's a fad, in my book. Nothing more. Like Bender from The Breakfast Club, I too share a disdain for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys. But hey, if you want blood, you got it.

Where Is My Mind?

Twittering during games, protecting your image, tabloid deaths and bashing Americans. Yeah, I got a few thoughts.

No Fun

Chad Ochocinco is getting on my nerves. You want to putt the football with a pylon? OK. Create your own Hall of Fame jacket? Fine. I don't really care. But now he wants to use Twitter during games. This has gone too far.

It's one thing to be the class clown, the joker. But is it too much to ask these millionaires to have just a tad bit of focus for three hours a week? This isn't a product of the No Fun League, it's a starve for attention. Most critics of the NFL's policies complain that the players aren't allowed to have enough fun, but isn't football itself supposed to be fun? I mean, it is a game. I get the feeling that guys like Ochocinco play football because they have the talent, not because they love the game. If they did, simply being on the field would give them the enjoyment they need. But not Chad. The game's not enough. Perhaps he should quit.

Fuhrer LeBron and S.S. Nike

Now this has rubbed people in a very wrong way. Apparently at the LeBron James Skills Academy, Xavier guard Jordan Crawford dunked on James, and shortly after Nike officials confiscated all the tapes from said dunk. To make matters worse, it seems that James was the one who ordered the search and seizure.

First off, I could see Nike orchestrating this more than Lebron. But if he did do it, is it that big of a deal? So he has some pride issues, what do you expect. He's constantly harped on for not winning a title, despite being crowned "The King" (a nickname that he was given, by the way). Oh, and he's 24 years old. Who cares if he's ashamed? I am tired of the high horse riding by sports people when it comes to LeBron James. Nobody will remember this. Hell, Kobe raped a girl and Shaq had a "tell me how my ass tastes" rap and everybody just loves them. I can't wait for James to win a title to shut these middle-aged white sports writers up. Give it a rest.

Sick News is Sick

I applaud sports fans for not wanting to hear anymore about Steve McNair. Sure, we still read the updates, but it's July - what else are we gonna do? The mood I get is that the story is too disturbing, too wrong and has nothing to do with McNair the quarterback. We understand that our heroes aren't really superhuman, we don't need to be reminded. With the gross exploitation of Michael Jackson's death, fans are disinterested to do the same with McNair. This is a good thing.

We want sports and we want it now. Not a 24-hour news investigation of McNair the man. None of our business. Chalk it up to ignoring the truth if you want, but what will learning the truth achieve? Nothing but negativity, and we surely don't need anymore of that. ESPN and the rest and continue to let us in on the latest, it's their job, but I get the feeling that nobody is all the concerned.

America, F*** Yeah!

This whole Lance Armstrong thing cracks me up. As I've written before, sports nationalism in this country is a joke. First soccer, then tennis, and now cycling. Remember, if it's foreign, it's crap. Until we put a competitor out there, then we are the greatest! We are the saddest bunch of front-runners in the world. It's alright during the Olympics, it's kind of the point. I'm rooting against Armstrong and for the French. That's right, I said it. Let's bring the trophy to a group of people who actually care about the event when they aren't dominating. What happened to our underdog spirit?

Summer of Morality

This past Independence Day weekend got me thinking. While most people were consumed with the Steve McNair story, I started wondering about Wimbledon. And soccer. And Phil Mickleson. And Rocky. Let me explain.

See, this weekend was a microcosm of what I call the Trophy Era, which is our current state of giving the kid who struck out four times and made two errors the same hardware as the kid who went 4-4 with five RBIs. It is the land of morals, home of the meek, and they are indeed inheriting the Earth. And it's entirely possible that the movie Rocky helped shape this new form of ideals.

Looking at the series as a whole, there are six parts. In part one, Rocky loses, but receives the biggest moral victory in the history of both fantasy and reality athletics. But in parts 2-5, Rocky wins. And our memories of Rocky are in those wins. He beat Mr. T. He knocks out Drago. It doesn't matter that the first image is of him losing, because the lasting images, which are the most important, are of the underdog champion.

When the franchise came full circle in 2006 with part six, Rocky Balboa, the underdog loses. Rocky gets beat. So the message being sent here is that while all the wins were good and made a champion out of Rocky, it's the losses, to start and end his career, which are the most important. It is the birth of the moral victory - the most disgusting term in sports.

The summer of 2009 is the result of this kind of thinking; the Summer of Morality. The lasting images of this summer will be of three events: the U.S. Open, the FIFA championship and the Wimbledon final. The dominating storylines of these three were of the underdog caliber. Mickleson had to fight for his sick wife. Team USA and Andy Roddick had to fight the foreign powerhouses. Real Hollywood stuff, you know? But in real life, we want Rocky II-V, instead we got Rocky I and VI.

Mickleson fell short. Team USA gagged. Andy Roddick was no match for history. In the way we usually look at sports, these are failures on the biggest stage. Mickleson's bogies on 15 and 17 were awful. Team USA blew a 2-0 lead at halftime. Roddick played the greatest game of his life, and found out it wasn't enough. These are the lowest of the low. Except, we live in a Rocky world, where not only does failing in the clutch not get you criticized, it gets you a medal.

I'm not saying that the Rocky movies create excuses for professional athletes. Art reflects reality, it doesn't produce it. This is a new, late 20th century American view. We changed Lombardi's quote of "winning isn't everything, the will to win is" to "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing", because that is what America has always been about.

Not now. No, Mickleson, Roddick and Team USA are champions of the heart, and that's all that matters. The compelling aspect of athletics used to be to witness what it takes to rise to the top, not what it takes to achieve noble failure. Maybe we need to stop rewarding people for just trying. Whether it's giving runner-ups journalistic praise or your clumsy kid a medal. It breeds defeat, not success.

Remember, Rocky did eventually become a champion. He had a statue erected. Phil Mickleson, Andy Roddick and Team USA lost. There is no award for second place in life, so let's not give one out in sports. I want to go back to "only the strong survive". It's what makes July 4th such a great holiday; a day to raise our foam fingers as #1. We didn't just try, we succeeded. There used to be morality in that.

Win Against Spain Means Nothing

What prisoners of the moment we are. Wednesday's big news was that the USA soccer team beat #1 Spain 2-0. It was the headline for the websites of ESPN, Sports Illustrated, FOX Sports and Yahoo Sports. Everyone was talking about it. My question is, um, why?

Last time I checked (and I check every so often), nobody in this country cares about soccer. We don't play it and we don't watch it. So why all the hoopla about beating Spain? I can understand if we just beat the Iranian team, or if it was 2002 and we beat the French. Do we really only pay attention when we do something well?

Yup. The reason we don't like soccer is because we're not any good at it. We are the Clippers of soccer. So we pass it off as a silly foreign game. It's boring, not really a sport, bad television, so on and so on.

Wait, we beat the #1 team? USA! USA! USA!

That's pretty much the common thinking here. It's embarrassing seeing everyone get so excited over this. Where were you when we were routinely getting our asses kicked? At least with the sports we like, we endure the rough times. Cleveland sports have had about as much glory as Team USA, but their fans still bleed with their teams and never waver.

And this is why soccer will never become popular in this country. Shortly after the match, ESPN put up a poll, "Was a 2-0 win against Spain a game-changing moment for the sport of soccer in the United States?" The results: 57% said yes. I guarantee you that this time next year, 90% of those people who answered yes won't give a damn about soccer.

That is, unless we become Spain. If Team USA goes on to dominate the sport or at least be in serious contention every year, then maybe we will all become fans. But what's the odds of that happening? Remember, a bigger upset happened in 1980 when Team USA beat Russia in hockey. And we all know how much Americans loooooove hockey...

Please stop acting like you care about this. The only time Americans pay attention to soccer is when one of the players rips her shirt off. Or David Beckham rips his shirt off. And I think that about says it all.

It's Time To Legalize Gambling

I am a gambler. I love the rush - the anticipation of every pitch, the excitement of a three-pointer and the hope of a missed field goal. Anyone who has ever placed a wager, whether it be a $5 bet on a Super Bowl coin flip or a $1000 roll on a craps table, will know from the very first time whether or not they are truly a gambler. I'm not proud of it, but I also am not ashamed. It's who I am and I deal with the harsh reality of having such a vice.

I don't need anybody to protect myself from it either. And that somebody is U.S. House Representative Spencer Bachus. He is the one leading the charge against internet gambling. On the other side is Rep. Barney Frank from Massachusetts, who is trying to pass a bill for legalization. Dueling columns written by the two men on usnews.com gives both sides of the argument, but since Frank's views are similar to mine, let me point out the voice of the opposition:

- Betting with a credit card undercuts a player's perception of the value of cash, which leads to addiction

- Underage kids can bypass age verification

- Underage kids fall prey due to computer access

- Gambling is 24/7 online

- Internet operations are vulnerable to criminal activity

- Regulation is hard and takes time

The first four points all have something in common, so I'll address those first. The idea that using credit cards somehow tricks people into betting more than they can afford has less to do with gambling and everything to do with, ahem, credit cards. This is the society we live in, folks. Millions of Americans use their magic pieces of plastic to buy things they can't afford. Personal responsibility, or the lack thereof, is a national problem that extends way farther than pokerstars.net.

That lack of control is also what the fear of 24/7 gambling is all about. Frank makes an excellent point that it is quite curious that conservatives, who are always complaining about a Democratic "nanny" government, seem very interesting and protecting ourselves from ourselves. So what if I spend 12 straight hours playing Seven-Card Stud High-Low Eight-Or-Better against a businessman from Singapore and a college dropout from Houston? Who am I hurting? Believe me, if anything I'm buying that businessman a new Porsche or getting that kid back into school. I suck at poker.

The other three points I will lightly touch on. First, if you're worried that college kids are using their laptops to play computer games, God bless you. You don't want to know what they're actually using it for. Just type in "two girls" into Google. See what your kids are really watching.

Age-verification and criminal activity can be solved by one thing: legalization. That will bring regulation, the arch-enemy of Republicans. Well, business regulation that is. As far as regulating your own behavior, they're all for it. As Bachus puts it, "new legislation would direct the Treasury Department to set up a new regulatory regime to oversee shadowy foreign gaming enterprises in a mere matter of months". That's how Bachus thinks, because that's how the media works. If things aren't running smoothly in a short time frame, it must be a bust. Truth is, the process will be long and tedious, and in the dawn of gambling's legalization there will be a lot of fake sites and "shadowy foreign gaming enterprises". But, as the saying goes, nothing worth doing is ever easy. We'll have to take the lumps. I'm okay with that.

While Frank is still anti-sports betting, I applaud him for his effort. He is still a politician and I am sure his stance against all other gambling is purely political. But I'm tired of people telling me what to do.

As Frank so eloquently put it himself: "the vast majority of human activities should be neither encouraged nor outlawed by the government but rather be left entirely to the choice of free individuals."

Blind Faith

Life is full of many tough decisions, but picking your favorite sports team isn't one of them. Most of us were indoctrinated at a very young age, much like the kids in Jesus Camp. And like those kids, we too have our little rituals, warped thinking, extreme loyalty and a deranged enthusiasm for our sports teams. But I live in Kansas City. I only have three. For me, it's all about the Royals, Chiefs and Kansas Jayhawks. We have no NBA or NHL team, and it is simply not enough for me. That's why I have decided that the time is now to choose sides. No longer will I watch professional basketball or hockey with an objective eye. And just to make sure I get my sports fill, I'm going to pick a NASCAR driver as well.

But how do I go about doing this? I can't simply just pick some teams. That would be too biased, plus I don't want to be that guy who becomes a Lakers/Penguins/Jimmie Johnson fan because they happen to be winning at the time. In other words, I don't want to be LeBron James.

The only true way is through complete randomization. For that, I turned to random.org's List Randomizer. And to bring myself a little bit of fortune, my teams and driver will be the eighth down the list; my lucky number.

The results: Detroit Pistons, Minnesota Wild and Greg Biffle.

I can live with the Pistons, who are a storied franchise, even if they seem to be headed for a quick free fall. They've always had that hard-nosed, blue-collar toughness, which I like. They hate Chicago, and I can back that up as a KC resident. Their last championship, in 2004, was under coach Larry Brown, who led my beloved Jayhawks to a national championship in 1988. I can work with this.

The other two are a bit tricky, since I have never really followed hockey or racing. But that was really the whole point; becoming a fan of one team/driver will help me in becoming a fan of those sports. I need a rooting interest.

So there it is, my new distractions. I now have a stake in all the major sports, and my loyalties will not waver. Well, until the Sprint Center finds some tenants, that is.

Twitter and sports: a match made in cyberspace

On its surface, Twitter brings nothing new to the table. The nucleus is based around a Facebook/Myspace status update, 140 characters or less, with little else going for it other than a background picture. It seems to offer nothing. Made famous by congressmen (so you know it can't be good), the site has been gaining speed based off the membership of one particular group of people; athletes.

If you have a David Byrne-esque questioning phase, first let me explain. Or better yet, let Twitter founder Biz Stone explain:

"I think the appeal there (with celebrities) is not only are they connecting with fans, but they're controlling their messaging. The tabloids aren't."

Granted, Stone there is referring to Demi Moore, not Dwight Howard. But the idea is interesting though. The most famous Twitterer, uh Tweeter, uh Tweet, whatever it's called, is Shaq. While most people will talk about The Big Shaqtus posting pictures of himself sleeping or shaving, the thing that struck me is instances where he'd give away tickets to fans via Twitter. The thought of someone as big as Shaq (status-wise, not literally) telling people "I'll be here, come get some tickets", is something completely different and somewhat fresh.

But where this really makes a difference is the "inside information" once so heavily guarded by the sports media is now open to the public. For example, where else could you have gotten word that on Tuesday night, Coco Crisp went out for some drinks with some friends and didn't get back to his hotel room until 6:00 am? It's the kind of thing we imagine beat writers and line-setters are privy to, and our exclusion is what lumps us together as fans. The "athletes-in-real-life" exposé is ours for the taking. Why read what some mid-life journalist's take on your favorite superstar is, when that same player can tell you himself?

Another subject brought on by Twitter, and more specifically the midnight conquests of lead-off men for the Royals, is that sports are turning back the clock. Upon telling the Crisp story (which I found interesting at the time for purely gambling purposes), the most common response was of positive nature. It reminded people of the good ol' days, when athletes played hard all day and partied harder at night. When they smoked and drank, not shot up in the locker room and wrote autobiographies in their thirties. Not to say Crisp is a throwback who can't say no to a drink or a line. And for all we know, athletes have never changed. But the coverage did, and with it, so did their image. But as Mr. Stone said, athletes get to write their own stories now, not Outside The Lines. And these stories hearken to the golden days of sports. Brett Favre isn't the average Joe-quarterback, but nearly every other QB in the league is. That's refreshing, and it makes sports in 2009 that much more watchable.

Year in review, for the future

"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon." - Napoleon Bonaparte

When we look back at the events that shaped the sports world in 2007, it is easy to assume that is was a very big year. Dogfights, gambling, spying, stealing, doping - you name it - it was a big black mark. But what will really be remembered after it is all said and done? There's no way to know exactly, of course, but if you really dig deep, you can get an idea. Here are the top stories of 2007, and what they will mean (maybe) in our near and distant future.

0-5 years

No surprise that most of the "big" stories in 2007 would hardly be remembered after their occurrence. The saddest one is Kevin Everett, who probably won't be mentioned in the seasons to come unless it's a book detailing the history of the Buffalo Bills.

Pacman Jones? Who was that again?

Kobe wants to be traded, then doesn't, then does again, and then - oops - turns out his team is actually good. This story will be buried in February, resurrected for the playoffs, and will die until his contract expires.

Don Imus's love for Rutgers got huge, national air time. Nobody cares anymore, already.

I don't even want to mention it, but the whole T.O./Jessica Simpson thing was a big story. Why, I don't know. But rest assured that it's already dead, which is why it shouldn't have been a story in the first place.

The college football upsets of 2007 were, well, awesome. But unless teams like Kansas, Missouri and Illinois actually become football powerhouses, I feel as though it will all be lost in the shuffle. Here's to hoping I am wrong, especially when it comes to Kansas.

And last, but not least, Michael Vick. Believe me, after he goes to prison, then comes back, I'll give it the whole six months it takes for him to realize he can't play again before nobody cares anymore. Plus, I just don't see this being relevant to historians. In hindsight, he was a mediocre player on a bad team who was into to murdering animals. I just get the feeling this will be omitted forty years from now. At least it should.

6-10 years

Congrats, NBA, you own this spot. Starting of is my boy Isiah Thomas. The only reason this goes past 5 minutes is because in a decade from now, when the Knicks are still horrible, we will be talking about everything that happened in the Thomas Era. And considering Isiah will probably still be coaching the team, I think it will be relevant.

The only other occupant here is referee Tim Donaghy, who fixed games (probably) for the mob. Well, 75% of the refs in this league have slicked back hair and look like extras in the Sopranos, so this wasn't a shock to anyone. But it will last, mostly due to the fact that when the federal investigation actually finishes (my guess: 6-10 years), we'll have to relive it. And if not, Suns fans will remind us.

11- 20 years

It's lonely at the top, which is why Spygate lands here all alone. For the next few decades, lazy sports writers will talk about how the lasting effect of the 2007 New England Patriots is that they were villainous cheats. But once that wears off, and we truly appreciate them for who they were, it will all change. See below.

20 years and beyond

The 2007 New England Patriots. Whether it be because they went 16-0, 19-0 or were the only team to get close to a perfect regular season, they will be remembered. Actually, all champions of 2007 will be remembered, because after all, that's what record books are for.

Then there is the Florida Gators, who won back-to-back basketball championships, with a football championship in between. They deserve special mention, because this might not ever happen again.

Barry Bonds breaking the home run record is definitely going to be remembered forever. Or at least until guys find better steroids and routinely hit 60-3,000 home runs per season. Which brings me to...

The infamous Mitchell Report. Every Hall of Fame vote, from here on, will be tainted by steroids. And this report will (hopefully) be remembered as the one that started it all, and lead to more investigations which busts guys all over again. Maybe this is just wishful thinking, but after this year, I don't blame myself.

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Please bring me 2008.

Sports is not math

The whole premise of sports media is to let you know what's going to happen before it does. This, of course, is impossible. That's one of the reasons I stopped making predictions; we all pretty much get the same amount of information. So, when it comes down to crunch time, just about every fan will try to find something to hang their hat on. Usually, they revert to comparing common opponents.

I can't tell you if Missouri will beat Oklahoma or if the Seahawks will beat the Eagles, though I have some pretty good estimations. As always, these estimations are based on the same information that you get, only we just reach different conclusions. But instead of doing the necessary homework to try to figure out what the outcome of the future will be (which is a time-wasting exercise), Sports Fan USA will take the lazy route; finding common opponents, comparing the outcomes and making a prediction. This is a dumb, not to mention wholly inefficient way to discuss sports.

The math goes like this: if A-C is more than B-C, than A is better. In actual mathematics, this works. In sports, not so much. That would mean since Seattle beat Chicago 30-23 and Philadelphia lost to Chicago 16-19, Seattle is 20 points better than Philadelphia. That would also mean Seattle is 17 points better than New England, who only beat the Eagles by three. Obviously, this is incorrect. So why is comparing common opponents such a popular way to determine who is better?

Laziness, probably. We have half a week to react to a certain sporting event, and the other half to predict the next slate of games, so at about noon on Wednesday, we are ready for the upcoming weekend. Breaking down matchups and watching past games not only requires you to know what you're looking for, but it is tedious work. I don't enjoy watching Knicks games. Doing a simple math problem is easy enough for any casual fan to come up with an outcome, though it has no bearing on reality.

But what confuses me is that people have two and a half days to study a game, but still seem to revert to inane concepts. Going through actual information would actually kill time. Thing is, fans would rather talk for an hour with five minutes of research than research for an hour with five minutes of talking. And I don't blame them.

Then again, don't we all come to relatively the same conclusions (around 50-60% correct predictions) anyways? Ahhh, now I get it.

Talking 'Bout an Evolution

From the Romans and the Greeks to the British and American Empires, one thing has always been true: the mob is stupid. As individuals, we are pretty intelligent. But when a large group of people get together, it seems that everything is boiled down to the least common denominator; there isn't much thinking going on. Point in case: the two front runners for the President of the United States are a Clinton and an actor. The last seven presidential terms, starting from the most recent, have been Bush, Bush, Clinton, Clinton, Bush, Actor, Actor. We will be repeating ourselves, again. But while we are still in our primitive state of unoriginal ideas, we have evolved to gain one important trait: skepticism.

I've never met one person who thought that Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire weren't on steroids. I've never met anybody who still gives O.J. the benefit of the doubt. These are spectacular revelations. The general populace is obtaining the one thing that, without, use to make them the general populace; not believing anyone for any reason. As we saw from O.J. and Phil Spector, you're still innocent until proven guilty - in a court of law. In the court of public opinion, however, the accused must prove their innocence or be shunned forever. People expect the worst. Which is a good thing, because more often than not, a public personality is doing the worst. And it's this type of skepticism and unbelieving that could possibly force professional athletes to finally do the right thing.

When Marion Jones, the three-time Olympic gold medalist, was accused of steroids, everybody was convinced she was guilty. As it turns out, she was. Jones screamed to the world that she was clean, but nobody was buying it. There was really no reason to believe that she was juiced other than the fact that nobody believes anybody anymore. Unlike Bonds, she wasn't a villain. Jones was celebrated for her feats and nobody actually wanted her to be guilty, but at the same time, the common consensus was that she did in fact cheat. Jones had lost all of her endorsements long before she tested positive, which is a testament to the power the public holds. The way it works is, if you are accused of something, you did it, and you will pay.

It would seem this kind of thinking in the common person would be a bad thing. After all, what would happen if a professional athlete was actually innocent, and his/her reputation was shattered anyways? Well, it hasn't happened yet. The public opinion has been right 100% of the time. The fear for most people who were in Michael Vick's corner was that his image would be tarnished whether he was guilty or not. I don't buy it. If Vick was found innocent, everything would have been alright. One thing about the public: while they'll never admit that they were wrong, they'll never keep on shouting the wrong opinions. The country as a whole would shut up about it. On the other side of it, the populace will never shut up if they were right. This is also a good thing. Today's athletes know that any slip up will be taken by the people and beat into the ground.

I know people who smoke marijuana and think that Ricky Williams shouldn't be allowed in the NFL. This is progress. We are holding these public personalities to a higher standard than ourselves, and at the same time not believing that they are true to their word. It's getting to the point where you have to be a perfect human being to be in the limelight. If only we could hold ourselves to the same standards, or at least our elected officials.

Sugar, Cream and the Clear

If you ask any random person off the street if they think boxing is a legit sport, and they say yes, than you should be confident in the assumption that this person is not somebody who you want to be taking advice from. It's been that way for a while, and it is part of the eventual downfall boxing has taken since Lennox Lewis retired. The De La Hoya/Mayweather fight was supposed to save boxing from the depths of MMA hell, but Sugar Shane Mosley might have just buried its corpse.

Mosley, who is scheduled to fight Miguel Cotto on Nov. 10 for the WBC welterweight title, is alleged to have taken "the cream" and "the clear" before his 2003 fight with De La Hoya, which he won. Somewhere, the CEO of Spike TV is smiling. As far as boxing goes, nobody cared about fixed fights. Nobody cared that in the Hoya/Mayweather fight that neither boxer seemed willing to get a bruise. But everybody cares when it comes to steroids. This makes boxing seem as unrealistic (not to mention unwatchable) as pro wrestling.

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According to the report, Mosley doped up as early as five days before the fight. I would say that is a definite advantage, especially considering that the Balco drug is used primarily for stamina sports like running and cycling, and that the De La Hoya fight went 12 rounds.
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I officially declare the sport of boxing dead. It's been on life support for a long time now, was showing some signs of life, but after much deliberation from friends and family members, it has been decided to be let go. Oh, and by the way, Mike Tyson might be going to jail. I'll go get the shovel.

What Happens In Prison, Stays In Prison

O.J. Simpson is being charged with armed robbery. Everyone is having a ball with the "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" quote. While people will laugh at him and make jokes to co-workers, I feel nothing but sadness. What his life was, and what it is now, it just a shame. Does he deserve every bit of it? Well, yes. He (allegedly) killed two people. But there is a reason he has become a cartoon of his former self.

The Simpson trial was a warning sign to celebrities everywhere. Mass media was changing and its power was growing. We can see this change when we look at the lives of Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan, or even Princess Diana. The pure ferociousness of tabloid journalists (and their readers) has altered the way public figures have to live their everyday lives. Most of these celebs are innocent. However in this case, Simpson is not. But it is the way we championed the media's coverage of him that is the problem. The way we covered murderers is now the same way we cover pop stars. When this new chapter of Simpson's life came out, it was nothing but gossip. Jokes are being made and nobody is shocked. Mass media didn't create O.J. the murderer, but it did create O.J. the clown. It has been impossible to be O.J. Simpson for the last decade. Again, did he deserve it? Yes. If we could only limit this kind of coverage to murderers and the like, then everything would be fine. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Beware, Michael Vick, because this is what can happen to you.

No Break For The PGA

Finally, golf's biggest (only) rivalry has come to fruition. Phil Mickleson outlasted Tiger Woods to win the Deutsche Bank Championship, taking the top spot in the FedEx Cup. It is on. Well, except for one little fact: Lefty will not be participating in the BMW Championship. Once again, thank God it's football season. While it will be interesting to see if Tiger can regain his usual #1 status, we are denied the head-to-head rivalry professional golf has been waiting for. The ratings for this event would have been huge. Well, as huge as it could be during opening week of the most popular sport in the country. Golf needed this, as well as the fans. Sixteen NFL teams will lose this week, and fans of sixteen teams will want something to watch. The PGA better roll around in mud and do a dance for the Gods, because if Tiger isn't in contention at the BMW, then neither will professional golf. Thanks Lefty, for making our decisions at the remote control easier than we ever thought they would be.

No Fun

Today, U.S. District Judge John G. Koeltl in New York upheld a ban on metal baseball bats for high school games. Here is a quote from the judge who is soon to be the best friend of bored housewives everywhere:

"While the record does not include clear empirical evidence showing that more serious injuries would occur without the ordinance, it is the city's legislative assessment that the risk is too great."

There seems to be a common idea that evidence has no place inside of the courtroom. Welcome to the 21st century, people. The continual sterilization of athletics, and society for that matter, is a growing concern of mine. What's next? Lowering the goal in little league basketball games? After all, the need to throw the ball higher could result in said ball to come down harder because of the necessary trajectory, which in turn could land on a kid's head and he might......cry. God forbid. We ban dodge ball in schools, won't allow metal bats, and make sure every kid has the same amount of playing time on the field. Do we need to coddle our kids any further? If your child is scared of playing baseball because of metal bats, let me tell you something: he is not going to be the next Derek Jeter. Pull him out, get him interested in music or math or whatever, because the "violence" associated with athletics is not going to go away. And it's your fault your child is a wuss, not Louisville Slugger's.

And on a side note, who is going to pay for all of these broken wooden bats? The schools? I'm pretty sure they're strapped for cash enough as it is. Wouldn't that money be better suited to go to the science or math departments? Oh, I forgot, there's no price tag for your child's safety, as long as somebody else is paying for it.