Where Is My Mind?

Twittering during games, protecting your image, tabloid deaths and bashing Americans. Yeah, I got a few thoughts.

No Fun

Chad Ochocinco is getting on my nerves. You want to putt the football with a pylon? OK. Create your own Hall of Fame jacket? Fine. I don't really care. But now he wants to use Twitter during games. This has gone too far.

It's one thing to be the class clown, the joker. But is it too much to ask these millionaires to have just a tad bit of focus for three hours a week? This isn't a product of the No Fun League, it's a starve for attention. Most critics of the NFL's policies complain that the players aren't allowed to have enough fun, but isn't football itself supposed to be fun? I mean, it is a game. I get the feeling that guys like Ochocinco play football because they have the talent, not because they love the game. If they did, simply being on the field would give them the enjoyment they need. But not Chad. The game's not enough. Perhaps he should quit.

Fuhrer LeBron and S.S. Nike

Now this has rubbed people in a very wrong way. Apparently at the LeBron James Skills Academy, Xavier guard Jordan Crawford dunked on James, and shortly after Nike officials confiscated all the tapes from said dunk. To make matters worse, it seems that James was the one who ordered the search and seizure.

First off, I could see Nike orchestrating this more than Lebron. But if he did do it, is it that big of a deal? So he has some pride issues, what do you expect. He's constantly harped on for not winning a title, despite being crowned "The King" (a nickname that he was given, by the way). Oh, and he's 24 years old. Who cares if he's ashamed? I am tired of the high horse riding by sports people when it comes to LeBron James. Nobody will remember this. Hell, Kobe raped a girl and Shaq had a "tell me how my ass tastes" rap and everybody just loves them. I can't wait for James to win a title to shut these middle-aged white sports writers up. Give it a rest.

Sick News is Sick

I applaud sports fans for not wanting to hear anymore about Steve McNair. Sure, we still read the updates, but it's July - what else are we gonna do? The mood I get is that the story is too disturbing, too wrong and has nothing to do with McNair the quarterback. We understand that our heroes aren't really superhuman, we don't need to be reminded. With the gross exploitation of Michael Jackson's death, fans are disinterested to do the same with McNair. This is a good thing.

We want sports and we want it now. Not a 24-hour news investigation of McNair the man. None of our business. Chalk it up to ignoring the truth if you want, but what will learning the truth achieve? Nothing but negativity, and we surely don't need anymore of that. ESPN and the rest and continue to let us in on the latest, it's their job, but I get the feeling that nobody is all the concerned.

America, F*** Yeah!

This whole Lance Armstrong thing cracks me up. As I've written before, sports nationalism in this country is a joke. First soccer, then tennis, and now cycling. Remember, if it's foreign, it's crap. Until we put a competitor out there, then we are the greatest! We are the saddest bunch of front-runners in the world. It's alright during the Olympics, it's kind of the point. I'm rooting against Armstrong and for the French. That's right, I said it. Let's bring the trophy to a group of people who actually care about the event when they aren't dominating. What happened to our underdog spirit?

Summer of Morality

This past Independence Day weekend got me thinking. While most people were consumed with the Steve McNair story, I started wondering about Wimbledon. And soccer. And Phil Mickleson. And Rocky. Let me explain.

See, this weekend was a microcosm of what I call the Trophy Era, which is our current state of giving the kid who struck out four times and made two errors the same hardware as the kid who went 4-4 with five RBIs. It is the land of morals, home of the meek, and they are indeed inheriting the Earth. And it's entirely possible that the movie Rocky helped shape this new form of ideals.

Looking at the series as a whole, there are six parts. In part one, Rocky loses, but receives the biggest moral victory in the history of both fantasy and reality athletics. But in parts 2-5, Rocky wins. And our memories of Rocky are in those wins. He beat Mr. T. He knocks out Drago. It doesn't matter that the first image is of him losing, because the lasting images, which are the most important, are of the underdog champion.

When the franchise came full circle in 2006 with part six, Rocky Balboa, the underdog loses. Rocky gets beat. So the message being sent here is that while all the wins were good and made a champion out of Rocky, it's the losses, to start and end his career, which are the most important. It is the birth of the moral victory - the most disgusting term in sports.

The summer of 2009 is the result of this kind of thinking; the Summer of Morality. The lasting images of this summer will be of three events: the U.S. Open, the FIFA championship and the Wimbledon final. The dominating storylines of these three were of the underdog caliber. Mickleson had to fight for his sick wife. Team USA and Andy Roddick had to fight the foreign powerhouses. Real Hollywood stuff, you know? But in real life, we want Rocky II-V, instead we got Rocky I and VI.

Mickleson fell short. Team USA gagged. Andy Roddick was no match for history. In the way we usually look at sports, these are failures on the biggest stage. Mickleson's bogies on 15 and 17 were awful. Team USA blew a 2-0 lead at halftime. Roddick played the greatest game of his life, and found out it wasn't enough. These are the lowest of the low. Except, we live in a Rocky world, where not only does failing in the clutch not get you criticized, it gets you a medal.

I'm not saying that the Rocky movies create excuses for professional athletes. Art reflects reality, it doesn't produce it. This is a new, late 20th century American view. We changed Lombardi's quote of "winning isn't everything, the will to win is" to "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing", because that is what America has always been about.

Not now. No, Mickleson, Roddick and Team USA are champions of the heart, and that's all that matters. The compelling aspect of athletics used to be to witness what it takes to rise to the top, not what it takes to achieve noble failure. Maybe we need to stop rewarding people for just trying. Whether it's giving runner-ups journalistic praise or your clumsy kid a medal. It breeds defeat, not success.

Remember, Rocky did eventually become a champion. He had a statue erected. Phil Mickleson, Andy Roddick and Team USA lost. There is no award for second place in life, so let's not give one out in sports. I want to go back to "only the strong survive". It's what makes July 4th such a great holiday; a day to raise our foam fingers as #1. We didn't just try, we succeeded. There used to be morality in that.

Why We Are Really Saddened About Michael Jackson

I'm going to take a break from sports for a second to talk about what everyone else is talking about - the death of Michael Jackson. Only, it isn't the end of his life that has people so upset, rather, it's the death of his resurrection.

Michael Jackson, the child star and King of Pop, has been dead for a while now. In his place we were given Jacko, the freakshow plastic man who slept with underage boys. And that is the man who left us yesterday. Fans have already mourned over the beloved superstar, but the news that he was trying to jump start his career and with the hope that this was true, his death brought a sobering reality: Michael Jackson is never coming back.

He will never redeem himself. He will not return back to form, no longer write any classic songs. And apparently, this is news to people. Because why else would anyone care?

What would be the reaction to O.J. Simpson's death? I ask because the two have some distinct similarities. Both were beloved stars, both acquitted of hanus crimes that 99% of the population believes they were guilty of. Both transformed into two different people entirely. They were involved in the two most-watched trials in the last twenty years. But Simpson's death wouldn't carry the nationwide sadness that Jackson's has. Why? Because we've accepted that the old Simpson is never coming back. His trial was a two-year long funeral of the funny, lovable actor/athlete, ending with the birth of this Bizarro O.J. who has as about as many fans as George W. Bush.

But we really never let go of Jackson. The reason for it, I suppose, is because we understood him. We all know that his childhood (or lack thereof) was the reason for his transformation. It's purely human, while Simpson's alter-ego has no back story. We can't fathom why he did what he did. So we've all held up this hope that Jackson would break out of this shell he has made for himself, and return to glory with Thriller 2.

Now we're faced with the fact that it's never going to happen. And nothing has really changed. We still have the records and videos and memories of Jackson, and Jacko was never going to add anymore to it. So if you're mourning the death of Michael Jackson, all I have to say is that you're a tad bit late. But hey, isn't denial just part of the grieving process?

Win Against Spain Means Nothing

What prisoners of the moment we are. Wednesday's big news was that the USA soccer team beat #1 Spain 2-0. It was the headline for the websites of ESPN, Sports Illustrated, FOX Sports and Yahoo Sports. Everyone was talking about it. My question is, um, why?

Last time I checked (and I check every so often), nobody in this country cares about soccer. We don't play it and we don't watch it. So why all the hoopla about beating Spain? I can understand if we just beat the Iranian team, or if it was 2002 and we beat the French. Do we really only pay attention when we do something well?

Yup. The reason we don't like soccer is because we're not any good at it. We are the Clippers of soccer. So we pass it off as a silly foreign game. It's boring, not really a sport, bad television, so on and so on.

Wait, we beat the #1 team? USA! USA! USA!

That's pretty much the common thinking here. It's embarrassing seeing everyone get so excited over this. Where were you when we were routinely getting our asses kicked? At least with the sports we like, we endure the rough times. Cleveland sports have had about as much glory as Team USA, but their fans still bleed with their teams and never waver.

And this is why soccer will never become popular in this country. Shortly after the match, ESPN put up a poll, "Was a 2-0 win against Spain a game-changing moment for the sport of soccer in the United States?" The results: 57% said yes. I guarantee you that this time next year, 90% of those people who answered yes won't give a damn about soccer.

That is, unless we become Spain. If Team USA goes on to dominate the sport or at least be in serious contention every year, then maybe we will all become fans. But what's the odds of that happening? Remember, a bigger upset happened in 1980 when Team USA beat Russia in hockey. And we all know how much Americans loooooove hockey...

Please stop acting like you care about this. The only time Americans pay attention to soccer is when one of the players rips her shirt off. Or David Beckham rips his shirt off. And I think that about says it all.

Sports Isn't Reality

I hate reality television. It is a commercialized, over-produced lie wrapped in a nice, advertised bow of truth. The Bachelor isn't really looking for love. Survivor contestants probably check their Facebook off camera. But the illusion of reality sells, and what drives the market is a world that is much better - and simpler- than real life. Only, in reality shows, when the real world rears its ugly Putin-like head, better T.V. is had. Like when Tila Tequila gets an STD.

Sports is the ultimate reality show. It's the first reality show. That's why we love it; sports is human emotion + skill - editing. Sports is raw - but not really. The world of sports is as fake as American Idol votes, and Jonathan Papelpon is a prime example.

When the Red Sox closer blurted out that he is open to join the rival Yankees when his contract is up, it sent shock waves around Red Sox Nation. How could he possibly speak such blasphemy?

Because sports is a business. Papelbon doesn't care about Boston lore and he has no loyalties. Pitching is what he does for a living, not to carry on a hatred between two cities. He loves what he does and he's good at it, isn't that enough?

Remember, the Red Sox are the same team that let Babe Ruth, Wade Boggs and Roger Clemens don pinstripes. And they are crying "traitor"?

Truth is, this is how nearly all professional athletes think. They don't care about your personal war. But they usually play the game. In the normal world of professional sports, Papelbon wouldn't let it be known that his colors run North until the moment he signed with New York. This keeps his integrity in Boston intact, and leaving us with the notion that our prejudices matter.

Well, they don't. This is the true reality of sports. We've only contrived a true dream scenario, which is no different than The Hills for teenagers. I love the drama of athletics, but let's not pretend that our heroes care about the same quarrels as we do. Any Sox fan would quickly change sides for a few million bucks, and Papelbon isn't any worse of a person for doing the same.